Do you have kids?
How many kids do you have?
Do you have other children?
Is this your first pregnancy/baby?
*This is the first in a series of posts intended to both affirm those who are hurt by certain questions/comments AND to educate those who ask/say these things that hurt families dealing with pregnancy and infant loss.*
These questions are considered SO NORMAL in our society! It’s as normal as asking “Where are you from?”
Why do people ask these questions?
Why these question hurt those who are grieving.
No one expects to lose their baby. The shock factor is completely unimaginable and quick frankly can’t be understood unless you’ve been through it. Not only has the natural order of the world been completely messed up, but now you have to figure out a billion things….
How should I remember/honor my baby? Should I tell people? Am I allowed to grieve my early loss? Do I tell strangers? Do I name my baby? Do I put pictures out? Do I post on social media?
These questions are very hard to answer, and often the answer changes as grief changes. Because of this the way we answer questions like “How many kids do you have?” becomes a full on existential crisis. We KNOW that the person asking means well, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I’ve been answering these questions for over 4 years now and I still find myself stumbling when it comes up.
Question: Do you have kids?
Possible Answers: Families with no living children
Possible Answers: Families with living children. These responses are for one baby who passed away and one who is living at home.
Question: Is this your first? (pregnancy or baby)
Possible Answers: Families with no living children.
The follow up questions....
You can control the conversation by body language – assuming the person you are talking to is paying attention. Be prepared for people to respond in a million different ways based on their personal experiences and shock factor. Sometimes they follow up with other dumb things, and sometimes they are so lovely and compassionate. Try to remember that everyone truly means well. You can chose to help educate them on what is helpful or not, but that is completely up to you.
Some people will say “I’m so sorry.”
You can reply, “Thank you.” and then change the subject.
Some people might ask how they died. Here you can decide what you want to do. If you feel like talking about then go for it. If you don’t then you can say something like. “I’m not up for discussing it right now, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Baby Gigi is part of our family so I always make sure to include her as much as I can.”
Some people will begin talking to you about their losses or people who they know who lost babies. This is their way of connecting with you and their way of showing compassion. (This can be helpful or overwhelming, depending on the situation.)
Bottom line - things to remember
For those who don’t wish to share (in that moment!):
When you answer without mentioning your baby that you lost, please, please, please try not to feel guilty.
Not everyone deserves to know your precious baby.
Not everyone deserves to know your story.
It doesn’t mean that you love your child any less! It just means in that moment you kept your baby close to your heart and out of public.
For those who do share (in that moment!):
It’s okay to cry.
All of your babies are a part of your story and if you want to talk about them, then do it.
Speak your truth and don’t worry about the other person, they will be fine.
Be prepared to be the one consoling someone else… this happens a lot.
Responding to these questions is so difficult and very different for everyone. You will eventually figure out what works for you - even if it's in a split second decision in the moment. Sometimes you'll nail it and other times will be completely bumbled. Unfortunately that's grief and the real life crap we're dealing with. Hopefully this post was helpful. Please share in the comments your responses to these questions.
HUGS!
