At some point...
You'll have to
Go Back to Work
after losing your baby.
Going back to work can be a very daunting task for most people. You may be apprehensive because, let’s face it, you are no longer the same person you were when you were last at work.
Going back to work is also daunting for coworkers. They don’t know what to say or how to help.
This post is meant to help both parties!
When to go back?
This can only be answered by you! (and quite possibly also the ‘terms’ of your employment.)
Some people find it helpful to go back to work and get back into a routine.
Some people feel as though they never want to go back to work.
People with late term or infant loss often already have a maternity leave in place. Sometimes you can keep that maternity leave, but it obviously really depends on your job. **No one pays me when I don’t work so I had people lined up to teach for me. They all offered to either teach or let me come back. We had already saved the money needed for me to be home so I did take my whole maternity leave. I am so lucky that I was able to make that choice. My husband wanted to go back to work right away, and that worked for him.
I’m sorry that some of you will have to call HR to figure out what you can do. It’s just another thing to deal with… because even though your world has stopped, the rest of the world keeps going.
Tips to help your transition back to work. (In no particular order.)
Have a “Champion” – someone who you trust who can relay information to the rest of the workplace. They can speak for you and this can make things easier for all involved.
Think about how you want to be spoken to. Do you want people to ask you about your baby? Do you want people to not mention it? This is totally up to you AND you can change your mind!!! (this is why we have the champion)
Go back to work early to get the “first time” out of the way. If you are scheduled to start on Friday then go in on Tuesday or Wednesday to say “hi” to everyone. Get all of the crazy looks and awkwardness out of the way. Then you have Wed/Thur to recover and you can start fresh on Friday.
Have your Champion or your boss (or yourself!) email everyone to update them on your situation and how you would like to move forward so they know what to expect and how to treat you. NOTE: You DO NOT have to share your story with everyone! Only share with those you feel comfortable with. It can be as simple as: “We lost our baby and are devastated. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and kindness and would prefer to not speak about this while at work.”
Have ‘things’ to fidget with. It could be a ring, bracelet or necklace. A keychain, a butterfly, a Handheld Hug. A stress ball, a stone, a pendant in your pocket. Touching these items can help to ground you in moments of stress and waves of grief.
Find a safe space at work where you can go to be alone. Triggers are endless and surprising. It’s important to have somewhere you can go to calm down, be alone, or cry – even if it’s your car. Have a plan.
Very often we’ll have coworkers who are pregnant with us or have just had a baby. It’s okay to ask for space from them if they trigger you. You can send an email or handwrite a simple note. “I am so truly happy for you, but I am also sad for me. I need some space right now. Thank you for understanding.”
Tips for Coworkers and Bosses
Chances are you are here to help a grieving friend. THANK YOU! Your grieving friend probably has not read this post! So it’s okay for you to reach out to them and ask some of the questions from above because they probably haven’t thought about those things. None of us think we are going to be prepping to go back to work after an unimaginable tragedy.
Be mindful about baby showers and pregnancy announcements. These can be HUGE triggers for bereaved parents. Obviously we want to be happy for everyone who is pregnant and having baby showers! It can be helpful to let your friend know AHEAD of the announcement. “Hey, just a heads up. Andrea is pregnant and an announcement is going out today. I didn’t want you to be surprised.” or “Hey, we are having a baby shower for Andrea next week. We totally understand if you aren’t able to attend. No pressure.”
Find out if your friend wants to talk about their baby. If they say “yes” then don’t be afraid of it. You aren’t reminding them of their baby, or making them sad. Trust me, they are ALWAYS thinking about their baby. It can be nice to know that others remember too. Ask them what their baby’s name is. Then speak about their baby using their name.
Mention to your other coworkers that they should take care in how they talk to your friend. The key is to validate how they are feeling. It is not your job to make them feel better. You should not look for the silver lining. Just be there and listen and agree. Give everyone my handout on what to say and what not to say! You can download it here.
