Kylah’s story written by her Mom.
December 23, 2021
I’m sharing because I’m breaking.
Tomorrow would be my due date. She was going to be a Christmas baby.
I was diagnosed with MS in 2019 so I’m now on disability after working as a nurse in Labor and Delivery for 13 years. I have three other kids and I’m 40 so I was not at all trying to have a baby so when I found out I was pregnant first I was scared because of my age and my diagnosis but then I said God would not give me her for nothing. I knew from the moment I looked at the stick and it said positive she was a girl. I just could feel it. So after my OB said I could have a fine healthy baby at 40 and with MS and High Blood Pressure I got excited.
I have two boys and one girl and she is 22 years old. So I quickly started my search for things for girls. I knew I didn’t want to do pink this time I wanted to do purple. So everything I picked was purple. I started showing early which I knew would happen so I bought some maternity clothes pretty quickly even though I was not gaining any weight because I had the worse 24 hour sickness lol. I say 24 hour because I was literally sick all day so I made sure I took my vitamins. I won’t say everything that led up for her very surprised and devastating demise but I will say I thought I was doing everything right. I started to feel her move early too which is common in moms who have had multiple pregnancies.
I was excited.
And as a nurse I don’t recommend this to anybody pregnant but I had a Doppler which like I said I don’t recommend to anyone especially if you are not experienced in knowing what your looking for and where you’re looking for it. I have seen the anxiety Dopplers cause to patients and even though it’s exciting to hear the heart beat the anxiety of not being able to find it is not worth it. Just wait till your Appts or go to the ER or L&D if over 20 weeks if you have any concern. Well the night before my appt I was listening to her on the Doppler. I was laughing because she had the hiccups like her brother always did.
I woke up the next day feeling not so nauseous as usual so I got dressed put on my maternity dress even a little makeup because after my appointment I was going to shop for her.
I was so happy. ‘Till the Dr. walks into my room and says get on the bed let’s check her heartbeat. I was still happy so excited while she was searching I figured she was not being still because in previous ultrasounds she would be wiggling and moving around even saw her sucking her thumb one time. So the the Dr. tells me let’s do a vaginal ultrasound. I was still happy and said ok. No concern yet. ‘Till after about two or three minutes and the look on my Dr.’s face.
I can still see her face feel the fear I felt at that moment. She said, “I cannot find a heartbeat.”
I just remember screaming NO NO and I couldn’t stop screaming and crying I remember sitting up to look at the screen cause at that time they had moved the screen but I saw her just laying there not her active movements like usual. I kept screaming. I feel alone a lot but never as alone as I felt that very moment.
To push my story forward I broke down I was already depressed because I had MS and had to give up my career so early. My other kids always make me happy, but when I was pregnant with Kylah it felt like puzzle was complete. Well, I ended up breaking down and I had a six day stay in a facility but they had to let me go because I had to birth her so that I could get her cremated. So I did but my life feels so broken. I know God has a plan. That and my boys that are home keep me going. I am blessed to have her ashes with me. I thank God for that.
I just wanted to share my story because I have no family at all except my kids and no support. The father who we also share a seven year old together never cared and thinks, and even says, I’m using this situation. He has no sympathy for me at all. In fact I’m pretty sure he is relieved because he made it clear he didn’t want her when I found out. When I saw my daughter’s name on the wall it made me so proud.
Thank you for reading a part of my story.